Local man breaks out in flop sweat.

Panic ensued today after I seemingly lost our Kakano grant check. Panic was then lowered to a level of vague uneasyness after it was discovered that my girlfriend had moved it to my desk and placed it an a clearly marked envelope saying "Fringe Grant Check." I was not impressed by the move, and several terror experts agreed with me.

This is a title

I'm doing stand up tonight at the Green Room, Kitty O'Shea's. Completely new material, first time I've tried doing anything like this since my surgery. Totally looking forward to getting the groove on. Shall be hard to the core.

This is unintentionally hilarious.

A new and completely original 3 men walk into a bar joke.

A priest a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The priest says 'As I love communion, I drink only the reddest of wines. Give me your best wine barkeep.' The rabbi, thinks, and says 'I also drink red wine, but it would not be kosher if I drank wine used in idolitry, so, please, Mr Barkeep, give me your second best bottle of wine, that'll be fine for me.' And the imam said 'Wait, what the hell's an Imam? I mean, even I don't know and I am one."

The joke is, of course, that an imam wouldn't be seen dead in a place that serves alcohol.

venue confirms The Adelaide, 20th -23rd feb 08

Wowzo the magic turnip! We've confirmed that we are performing at The Adelaide from the 20th- to the 23rd of Febuary, taking not just their stage, but also a large chunk of the area surrounding it. Totally awesome! Though, now, my girlfriend wants to kill me for stuffing up her vactation plans!

The Embalmo-Mat 3000

Is Death getting you down?

Are you embarrassed to attend social events, such as weddings, birthday parties, and sporting events, only feeling comfortable at funerals, just because of your lack of a beating heart, decomposing exterior, and overwhelming stench?

Well don't despair!

Since the dawn of time, death has been a natural part of life, an unavoidable factor that, sooner or later, everyone has to face - BUT NOT ANYMORE!

Thanks to the new Prickson and Thwaxely EMBALMO-MAT 3000, death needn't be a hassle. In a matter of moments, your beloved relative, pet, or 3rd degree murder victim is restored to life, no questions asked, and at minimal cost.

With the EMBALMO-MAT'S patented 'hands free' system, all you need to do is feed in your corpse, pull the lever, and sit back as it's automated system of cogs and hooks allow you to mock God in style.

Tired of scraping corpse chunks, matted hair, and blood out of inferior death-defying apparatus? Well you're in luck, the EMBALMO-MAT 3000 is entirely self-cleaning and rust-free! Simply hook its system of sluices and tubes to your home garbage-desposal unit, and the EMBALMO-MAT does the rest!

Scientists are locked in debate over whether or not the process of life-restoration is excruciatingly painful - but owners of the EMBALMO-MAT 3000 needn't worry themselves with this insignificant and highly unlikely detail, as the EMBALMO-MAT is 100% sound-proof, and features a revolutionary opaque design, sparing operators of the machine any risk of Aurally or Visually induced feelings of pity or regret! Wow!

Worried about your revived loved-one not having a soul? Well worry no more! With it's next generation laser guided Soul Retrival System (SRS), the EMBALMO-MAT is able to wrench the dead individual in question's soul from both the warm bosom of Heaven, AND the firery torture-pit of Hell. Demon and other erroneous spirit possession need not be a worry either, as the EMBALMO-MAT is fitted with the latest in 'Soul-Shredding' defense mechanisms, which can detect anything from Satanic envoys to lost, innocent souls, and instantly and painfully eradicate them from any and all plains of existance.

The EMBALMO-MAT comes in a variety of colours, including Red, Blue, and Yellow - recognised by the International Institute of Optics (IIO) as being 'Primary Colours', widely regarded as the best and most versatile colours currently known to mankind.

The EMBALMO-MAT features 'Zombie Proof' welding, in order to safeguard the user in the rare event of malfunction resulting in what more deluded critics have called 'Zombie Haloucausts', but that we prefer to call 'Mal-Revived Individual Related Species De-Survivification'.

Ask your dealer about add ons such as 'Racing Stripes' (they make the EMBALMO-MAT go faster!), and padded lever-covers for those frosty, early morning resurrections (brrr!).

To order your EMBALMO-MAT 3000 now, just contact 'Prickson and Thwaxely Industries' on 0800 DECORPSE. The extra digits in the phone number are for enhanced phone-ability!

Prickson and Thwaxely Industries are not responsible for any un-dead related mayhem, grievous bodily harm, legal action, misuse, or apocolyptic Zombie plagues that may result from use of the EMBALMO-MAT 3000. Users of the EMBALMO-MAT 3000 do so at their own risk. Thankyou.

Like, totally Improv at Vic Uni

Like, hi guys!

Gosh, I'm just super pumped to tell you all that the Vic Improv club is doing a show on Monday night (8th of October, to be precise, NEXT monday). The show'll be in Meeting Room Three of the Victoria Student Union Building,begining at 6:30pm and finishing at 7.30pm, creating an estimated hour of total hilarity.

I could lie, and say that it will be the mostenjoyable evening of your life, but I don't need to, because it's true. Be there, or send three other people in your place. There is no charge for entrance, though you will be offered a chance to make a small donation at the end of the show if you feel it was worth you rhard-earned cash.

We hope to see you there, with as many people as you can possibly bring with you. Spread the word, y'all are welcome!

Tea?

As you will find out when you pay a paltry amount to see our fantastic, amazing and brilliant play, tea is a very important part of my character's (Max's) personality. At the odds of probably about seven billion to one, by some amazing coincidence, *I* like tea in in real life as well!

Today, I thought I would have myself a special cup of tea. We have a very large mug in our flat and I hunted it down. Then I put in TWO teabags and 3 teaspoons of sugar. With all the water that would fit into the especially large mug I wouldn't want the tea leaves to be too diluted, right? So, two teabags. This was going to be outstanding. I poured some boiling water into the bottom of the mug, just enough to cover the teabags and the sugar and stirred vigorously with a my teaspoon. This is the secret to good tea. You do all your stirring with only a little water in the mug. What you get is tea-concentrate. In the case of two teabags, it's super-concentrate. When I had stirred to the exact specifications that I had perfected years ago, I added more water, leaving just enough room for the milk.

The milk.

We were out of milk.

My girlfriend (our stage designer) had used the last on her Weet-bix. Admittedly I'd used more than my fair share on hot chocolate a couple of nights previous so we are still talking. Now, I've had tea without milk before, and I don't really mind it. In fact, sometimes I can prefer it when I'm feeling all analytical and start imagining human females in the place of dairy cows and think how absurd the whole notion of "milk" really is. But today wasn't one of those days. Today, concerns about mass-production had taken a backseat to the quest for a perfect cup of tea. But it seemed I had been thwarted, taken down by a rookie mistake! Forgetting to check for milk is for amateurs, was I losing my touch?

I refused to be beaten, but I also refused to walk to the diary. I live atop a large hill and exerting any sort of effort would certainly just negate the soothing properties of a good cup of tea. So, I decided to use my incredible ingenuity and devise a solution. This consisted of looking in the fridge for an alternative. Diary products were all essentially the same right? I've never really cared about the difference between full and skim milk, these differences were all just packaging, surely. Hmm, we had cottage cheese, garlic flavoured. I knew, insticntively, that that wouldn't work. Ever. The only other alternative was yoghurt. Passionfruit cheesecake flavoured, Lite Yoghurt. I rationalised; the tea is sweet anyway so that shouldn't matter; some people add lemon to their tea, passionfruit can't be any worse. In fact, maybe it wll be ten times as good! Maybe it was fated that on the day I tried to make a super cup of tea, passionfruit yoghurt would be my only diary option. Hands shaking, I took the yoghurt from the fridge. I steadied myself and removed the lid. I poured the desired amount into my tea and stirred.

The tea started going that familiar light brown colour, "this is working!" I thought. But alas, after I stopped stirring, the yoghurt seemed to disintegrate and instead of one solid light brown colour, my tea became a mottled colour and full of floaties. I decided to simply stir and drink very quickly, so that I was only drinking from the tea whilst it remained that familiar and desired uniformly light brown colour. I used a tea strainer to get every ounce of goodness out of the teabags and then I stirred vigorously. Quickly, while the tea looked like regular tea, I drank.

It was godawful. Disgusting. I made a face like this:



















Or maybe it was more like this:



















Either way, it wasn't pretty. And let's not try to imply that there was no hope of it "being pretty" in the first place, OK people? Because look at this:



















See what I mean? G-damn gorgeous.

This has been a blog by Chris. I hope you've had some giggles, peaked some interest in our play and mostly; been subconciously influenced to take up smoking (Blogger.com is actually run by Laramie cigarettes, mmm mmm).

Songs as teaching aids!

God Save The Queen

(It's like a thing I'm doing at the header of each post, isn't that great/irritating CIRCLE YOUR CHOICE.)

Woofles the magic dog! Have we got an offer for you! The Royal Victorian Luncheon Society realise that as children of the disney generation, we all often find ourselves unable to understand what people are telling us unless it is presented in song format.

This is where we come in; your friends, family or even co-workers call us up, and we'll deliver a custom learning song for you.

Or, order one of our many classic releases which are good for any situation. Songs like;
- If you wanna be my lover, you've got to get a hair cut.
- (You're a) Whiter Shade of Pale (seek sunlight you gothling.)
- No body cares, you're boring.
- You've got a B.O Rontosaurus in your armpit.
- I would walk 500 hundred miles (to get away from your bad breath.)
- Stop whining and work work work, you jerk.
could be helping you at this very moment.


Order now.

The Egrarious 1am Monday Morning posting

God Save the Queen,

Any ways; I was writing an assignment for my Script Writing class, about a giant tape worm that explodes out of a small Chinese cooks rear and front ends, forcing said tapeworm to wear the cook like a man belt.

This made me think of the cartoon you would have already stared at, because, who doesn't look at the cartoon first? You know; besides the terminally lame.

I made this for one of the Victoria University of Wellington Improvisational Theatre Games Club's flyers for the last clubs day, why am I telling you this? Well, the core members of The Royal Luncheon Society formed themselves from within said clubs hallowed walls. Exciting? You bet your sweet ass it's exciting, or some-such.

Woah, it's content!

God save the Queen.

Here have a cartoon, because that'll bring the blog posts to a number that is larger than one!
I know, aren't you excited, can't you feel the energy tingling down your leg like you've had a wee little accident? I know I can.

I bags first post!

I bags first post, being that I'm the one who is setting up the group blog and all.

Welcome to The Royal Victorian Luncheon Societies free blog! Not only don't you have to pay anything to read it, but we don't have to pay anything to host it. Isn't the internet grand?

If you haven't managed to figure out what The Royal Victorian Luncheon Society is, of course, a Wellington New Zealand based Comedy Troupe, which dabbles in sketch, theatre and improv. If you couldn't get all that from our title, obviously that's because you are a moron, a nincompoop, and a poseur. There can be no other explanation.

I'm Nic Sando, Troupe Director, a role which I achieved on the basis that I called it first and no body tried too hard to stop me. Stick around, and we'll, you know, use this blog to post interesting tidbits about our Fringe show, The Kettle of Allen and Max, which was written, and will definitly be directed by Harry Meech, a very attractive man who resembles a crane like bird, possibly a crane.