The Embalmo-Mat 3000

Is Death getting you down?

Are you embarrassed to attend social events, such as weddings, birthday parties, and sporting events, only feeling comfortable at funerals, just because of your lack of a beating heart, decomposing exterior, and overwhelming stench?

Well don't despair!

Since the dawn of time, death has been a natural part of life, an unavoidable factor that, sooner or later, everyone has to face - BUT NOT ANYMORE!

Thanks to the new Prickson and Thwaxely EMBALMO-MAT 3000, death needn't be a hassle. In a matter of moments, your beloved relative, pet, or 3rd degree murder victim is restored to life, no questions asked, and at minimal cost.

With the EMBALMO-MAT'S patented 'hands free' system, all you need to do is feed in your corpse, pull the lever, and sit back as it's automated system of cogs and hooks allow you to mock God in style.

Tired of scraping corpse chunks, matted hair, and blood out of inferior death-defying apparatus? Well you're in luck, the EMBALMO-MAT 3000 is entirely self-cleaning and rust-free! Simply hook its system of sluices and tubes to your home garbage-desposal unit, and the EMBALMO-MAT does the rest!

Scientists are locked in debate over whether or not the process of life-restoration is excruciatingly painful - but owners of the EMBALMO-MAT 3000 needn't worry themselves with this insignificant and highly unlikely detail, as the EMBALMO-MAT is 100% sound-proof, and features a revolutionary opaque design, sparing operators of the machine any risk of Aurally or Visually induced feelings of pity or regret! Wow!

Worried about your revived loved-one not having a soul? Well worry no more! With it's next generation laser guided Soul Retrival System (SRS), the EMBALMO-MAT is able to wrench the dead individual in question's soul from both the warm bosom of Heaven, AND the firery torture-pit of Hell. Demon and other erroneous spirit possession need not be a worry either, as the EMBALMO-MAT is fitted with the latest in 'Soul-Shredding' defense mechanisms, which can detect anything from Satanic envoys to lost, innocent souls, and instantly and painfully eradicate them from any and all plains of existance.

The EMBALMO-MAT comes in a variety of colours, including Red, Blue, and Yellow - recognised by the International Institute of Optics (IIO) as being 'Primary Colours', widely regarded as the best and most versatile colours currently known to mankind.

The EMBALMO-MAT features 'Zombie Proof' welding, in order to safeguard the user in the rare event of malfunction resulting in what more deluded critics have called 'Zombie Haloucausts', but that we prefer to call 'Mal-Revived Individual Related Species De-Survivification'.

Ask your dealer about add ons such as 'Racing Stripes' (they make the EMBALMO-MAT go faster!), and padded lever-covers for those frosty, early morning resurrections (brrr!).

To order your EMBALMO-MAT 3000 now, just contact 'Prickson and Thwaxely Industries' on 0800 DECORPSE. The extra digits in the phone number are for enhanced phone-ability!

Prickson and Thwaxely Industries are not responsible for any un-dead related mayhem, grievous bodily harm, legal action, misuse, or apocolyptic Zombie plagues that may result from use of the EMBALMO-MAT 3000. Users of the EMBALMO-MAT 3000 do so at their own risk. Thankyou.